Change
by Ravy-rah
Summary: If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be? I don't have to answer that question. I can be any animal at any given time. It's my human self that has no sense of purpose anymore. Maybe I'm just meant to be a beast.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is my take on Beast Boy's transformation into Changeling...inspiration? There just isn't enough BB love out there, and I'm going through a life-change of sorts myself. The first two chapters are just setting it up: the first chapter is a brief look into BB's mind and sets up what is going to happen. Rated T, may change to an M later for violence and adult situations, we'll see. Please let me know what you think! (Also my first multi-chaptered fic…)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Teen Titans. None of the characters are mine.

**Chapter 1: Thoughts**

I call it freedom. Bound by no single shape or form or ability, I can transform into whatever I want to be, whenever I feel the need. You'll never know what I am or who I can become, because I'm completely free. Lion, bear, elephant, llama, unicorn—you name the animal, I can be it. It's total freedom.

But at the same time, I'm not free at all. I find myself trapped, unable to let myself grow and mold and become more than a boy…a man. When will I be a man? Is there some test I have to pass, a challenge I have to complete, something that I'm missing? It used to be that I wouldn't think past what I was having for lunch, (mmm tofurkey.) But lately I've been locked in my room, shifting from form to form, trying to find the secret to what I'm missing. Because I don't feel free anymore. Everyone is growing up, finding their path and their place in this world….everyone but me.

I feel caged. And if there's anything that scares the animal in me, it's a cage.

Look at Robin…er…_Nightwing._ He's a man. He's changed his costume, his name, and is working as a detective in Bludhaven. He's dark, stoic, mysterious, dashingly handsome (or so Starfire seems to think), and brilliant. Our bird boy has grown into a bird…man? Ick, that's just weird to think about. But the point is that he's growing up. He has an actual job, an actual reason to wake up in the morning. Sure, I still protect Jump from the baddies…but they don't seem that bad anymore. They're pretty damn easy to defeat, in all honesty. I mean, really, you'd think Dr. Light would have learned his lesson by now…

And Starfire's off in Bludhaven with Nightwing as an interpreter for the police station. (Which makes perfect sense, seeing as she knows a LOT of languages.) She changed her costume too, more streamlined and less girly. It's skintight and has all these cutouts and shows WAY more of her long, hot legs and….and…I should stop thinking about my adopted sister this way….she's nothing if not a woman.

Okay, new train of thought. Cyborg. He's working in STAR labs and helps people on a daily basis. Yeah, he hasn't changed his costume (I mean, how would he do that?) But he's been updating his machinery and weaponry like crazy. And he even has a GIRLFRIEND. I know, right! It blows my mind too. Tin man is gettin' some lovin'….ick. I can't think about that. How would that even work?…does he even have a….? Okay, I really need to stop imagining my brothers doing the nasty….because that's just nasty.

_Raven._ Funny how my mind always shifts back to her, especially since she's been gone. She's honing her healing abilities on Azarath with her mom. It sucks having her gone. A lot more than I originally thought it would. I hate not seeing her drinking tea every morning, meditating by the window, making snarky comments whenever I play video games with Cyborg. I hate smelling her as I meander down the hall, hate not hearing the screech of her raven form as she leaves the tower for whatever reason. Yeah, it's weird.

And she's _definitely_ changed. She's been letting her hair grow out, and I secretly love it, though I would never tell her that. And she changed her costume too. It's white now, but basically the same. The neckline is cut much lower and she has these wicked half-arm gloves in place of sleeves, and a v-shaped belt slung around her hips that accents her beautiful curves and lean, shapely legs….

Sigh. It's lonely around here. Raven's gone, Starfire and Nightwing are gone, and Cyborg may as well be. He works all day, comes home for a snack and pets my head (because I literally turn into a puppy with excitement to have company) and then goes off and hangs out with the girl most every night.

Jump is basically mine now, as is Titans Tower. Which is kinda cool, I guess. It's pretty fun to walk around naked whenever I feel like it. (Well, except for that one time Control Freak was in the living room…) But I feel like I've outgrown it. Nightwing keeps hinting that some of the younger Titans should come and learn what it's like to man their own station, but I know what he really means. He wants them to have Titans Tower and for me to get a life. And at this point, I don't think I would mind the change. There's just one problem.

I don't know what to do with myself. Am I really stuck as the goofy, loveable, sidekick-esque Beast Boy forever?

Yeah, it's freeing, being a shapeshifter. But in my human form, I'm caged. I don't like it. Maybe…maybe it's just safer staying a beast…

**A/N Number Two:** I know it's not as goofy as BB usually is and comes across as more intelligent than he is portrayed, but I have a reason for that. One: it makes perfect sense that BB would be the late bloomer of the group seeing as he is the youngest. So it's plausible that the others have moved on before he has. Two: He misses his friends and he doesn't know what to do with his life. AKA...he's not necessarily in a goofy/happy-go-lucky mood. And as for the wording and phrasing, I know that BB is highly intelligent and thoughtful, even if he doesn't act like it all the time. He has to be in order to shift quickly and effectively during battle, not to mention having been under Robin/Nightwing's influence for so long, so it would make sense that in his private musings he isn't shouting "dude!" all the time. You may hate me for how I portray BB if you like, but just don't flame me for it. This is how I see him and this is how I'm going to write him. I would love for reader feedback on my characterization and my story idea…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Reviews would be awesome! Posting schedule will probably be erratic for the near future. Yay for the holidays. The action starts up next chapter, this is another chapter to set the scene.

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own TT. I never will. Damn.

**Chapter Two: Notes**

_Nightwing:_

_I don't really know what to write so I'm just gonna say it: I'm leaving. Give the Tower to Tim and Conner, I know you've been wanting to. They'll do great._

_I don't know where I'm going and I don't know how long I'll be gone. I'm not taking a communicator or a phone or anything, and that chip you tried to implant when I was asleep in dog form? Yeah, those things don't last through shifts, thought you knew that by now. Nice try though. _

_You won't be able to find me, so don't try. Thanks for everything. _

_-BB_

_Cyborg:_

_Hey man! Just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving. Figure it would be easier to leave a note than to try and catch you between work and meals and dates. Don't try and track me, because you won't be able to. Thanks for being you. Thanks for taking in a little green dude and teaching him how to be a hero. You've been a great bro. Take care, Cy. _

_-BB_

_Star:_

_You know, I never thought I would meet someone like you when I left the Doom Patrol. You're so happy, so pure and free, and I'm really glad you stayed on Earth. I'm so sorry about this, but I need to leave for awhile. I'm going to try and find myself. And no, I'm not lost. Not physically, anyway. _

_I know I'll miss you a lot. You're the closest thing I have to a sister. But this is something I have to do. Love you._

_-BB_

_Raven:_

_I haven't seen you in awhile, so I don't know how life has been going for you, but as for my life? Hasn't been going too well. I'm just letting you know I'm leaving. If anyone could find me it would be you, but please…give me space. I need to figure some things out. I hope Azarath is treating you well. I'm leaving the note by Cyborg's note so that he can get it to you._

_You're beautiful, Rae. _

_-BB_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Hey all! So sorry it's been so long, I've been moving back to school and getting settled in and dealing with life being a witch. But here's another chapter, hopefully I'll be doing one a week, depending on my inspiration/homework load. Reviews would be awesome! I hope you don't hate the direction I'm taking this too much, it probably isn't what you all are anticipating/hoping for…and I might be changing the rating to an 'M' for future violence, so if you aren't able to handle that, I suggest you stop reading this story. Alrighty, I'll stop rambling. Here it is!

**Disclaimer: **TT still isn't mine.

**Chapter Three: Nuts**

I've been away from the Tower for over two months now, and I've discovered something. The longer I stay in any given form, the easier it is to slip into that creature's mindset and forget that I'm actually a human. I don't forget completely, there's always a hazy awareness at the back of my mind, but…I feel less of the loss and depression that doesn't leave my human-self.

It all started in the woods of northern Washington state. See, I had hitchhiked the coastline and switched from dog form to human form most of the way, just sightseeing, and enjoying the freedom that came with no responsibilities. People were really nice to me, I got loads of free meals and the chance to sleep on lots of comfy couches. Being green (and very recognizable) does have its benefits.

But when I got to Washington, I saw a landscape that I had never experienced before. Deep, dark woods that went on for miles, leaves dripping with a constant rain and a wet, exotic and beautiful undergrowth that I never saw in Africa or even in Jump. Africa was much more…dry. This place, it wasn't a jungle but it wasn't a desert either. It was…_rich_. Luscious. Beautiful. I rarely think something is beautiful, I usually describe something as "awesome" or "cool, dude." But lately I've been sick of my lack to really think, to really express what something makes me _feel._

See, after my parents died, I blamed myself for a long time. I still kinda do. I should have been able to save them. And so I hide behind this damn façade of humour and comedy and act like a total loser all the time because it makes people laugh…it makes me feel important. Like I have a reason to get up in the morning even though I failed my parents by letting them die.

But I want to be more than comedic relief. So when I saw those woods, I thought "_this place could set me free. It could let me express how I feel…maybe I'll learn to be real here. Not just a laughing face. But maybe I'll learn who the real Beast Boy is. And then I could show her that I matter, that I can be a man for her…"_

I felt hope for the first time in years. So, of course, I had to observe which animal to become in order to fully enjoy it. I was a gray squirrel for awhile, which was great. Scampering around, chasing other squirrels, stealing nuts and throwing them at chipmunks…it was a blast. But then the chipmunks started throwing them back and this girl squirrel wouldn't stop chasing me around…and even worse, it got boring. There wasn't anything vicious about it, or remotely tension relieving, and that's what I wanted. ( I feel so tense all the time. I hate it.) But I stayed a squirrel for a while and I started thinking like a squirrel, as weird as that sounds.

The word 'nuts' flashed across my mind a lot, and I seemed to twitch every millisecond. It just became natural to me to hide every nut I found and remember where I hid the nut. I was obsessed with nuts. Nuts nuts nuts nuts. And no, not that kind of nut, although apparently…well, never mind.

I knew the forest trees intimately for miles around by memory, even though I hadn't been nearly that far in my week of nonstop squirrelness…okay, that can't be a word but whatever…

When I finally let my human-self take over, I felt a bit groggy. That had never happened before. But then again, I had never stayed in one animal form for that long.

So for the rest of this past month, I've been in squirrel form on and off, deciding what shape to take next. Maybe I'll stay in it for two weeks. Maybe a month. Probably longer. And I think I've found the perfect shape to take.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** Yes, this is an EXTREMELY short chapter. It is supposed to be short and it's supposed to feel disjointed and weird. About a year passes in this chapter, and BB is in the form of a black bear the whole time. His humanness is buried beneath the beast, but his moments of lucidity are in italics. If you don't like the way I'm writing this, tough. Please don't flame. I can totally see this happening—maintaining your humanity while in an animal form seems as though it would be difficult, especially the more time spent in that form. This is all from my imagination, hence the term 'fan' fiction, I'm allowed to take liberties. Also, I am changing this fic to an M for future chapters (like next one), but not this one. Just want to be safe. Anyway, here's the next installment! Reviews would be great!

**Disclaimer: **The Teen Titans are not mine, I am using DC's characters and letting my imagination run wild.

**Chapter 4: Beast**

Black bear. Strong. Mighty. Fearless. I feel invincible in this form. I pick berries all day, sleep in my warm cave at night.

Sniff. Sniff.

More berries. Enjoy the sun in day, cool at night.

..._Raven..._

Own the forest, own the woods. Own the world.

Sniff. Sniff. Human. Predator?

..._Don't run, let me out, I know that _ _human, not a predator! Safe! Raven, I'm here, don't look at me like that..._

Black energy. Feels familiar. Feels safe. Quiet grumble, but no roar, no harm this human.

Trust?

Wolf pack head towards human.

No!

Attack.

Claws. Teeth. Wolf blood. Bear blood. Roar.

..._RAVEN!..._

Black energy gone, human smell gone.

Weather change. Snow. Cold. Cave. Slumber.

...

Warmth. Sun. Berries. Munch. Munch.

Smell?

Sow. Take. Release. Growl. Roar.

Weather change. Cool. Leaves fall.

...

Seasons come and go. Spring again. More female tension release. Roar.

Sniff.

Human smell? My human?

Walk, walk, run, towards human.

..._That's not her, that's not her, stop stop stop don't go there! NO! That's a hunter, run awa-_

BANG.

...

**A/N Number two:** Female black bears are called sows. It's true.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Yes, I'm aware that my updates are sporadic. Yes, I'm also aware that my chapters are fairly short. I'm sorry about that if it's bothering you, but this story is supposed to feel a bit choppy and confused and snippet-esque because that's what BB is going through in his life. It'll flesh out a bit more though, I promise. As for the update schedule…there really is none because I'm really busy with school (yay for trying to pass my classes!) and I'm working on getting a job. So, I'll write/update as often as I can. Thanks for the understanding, guys! Also, this chapter isn't an M like I thought it would be. I decided to cut it off before I got to the M. So…have patience, my friends!

**A/N 2: **So this chapter had issues loading the first time, hopefully it works now...silly ffnet...

**Disclaimer: **I still don't own the Teen Titans…that would be an awesome life…

**Chapter Five: Caged**

My whole body hurts. The only reason I can tell that I'm human again is because I'm actually thinking, not just reacting instinctively to sounds and smells.

I'm lying on something hard, and it hurts. My legs hurt, my arms ache, my hands are trembling and my head is pounding. Where am I? I'm not sure. So, even though the light beyond my eyelids is excruciatingly bright, I open my eyes. Slowly. Very, very slowly.

Four walls. White. No visible entrance or exit. Panic settles in and I lurch to my feet, breath coming out in harsh gasps.

There's no way out. I'm stuck. Caged.

I can't quite describe the next sound that comes out of my throat. It's scratchy, because I haven't used my human voice in at least a year. It's very guttural and animalistic because at this point, I think I'm more beast than man. I would probably classify it as a roar, even though it's so hoarse and raw that it seems more like a scream.

I throw myself at the wall opposite my bench, pounding, tearing, ripping. I'm changing forms so fast that I can't even tell what form I'm in from the next. Claws, teeth, fangs, talons, all are attacking the wall with as much strength as I can muster. Forms too large for the room, trying to break the walls, but it doesn't work.

After what feels like forever, I collapse on the floor, breathing heavily and on the verge of tears. What's happened? Where am I? Why…why?

"Oh, Gar…"

I look up, and there she is. Raven. My beautiful, beautiful Raven. She looks tired though. There are dark circles under her eyes, her skin is paler than normal, and she looks as though she's lost a significant amount of weight.

How long has it been since I left? What happened?

Memories start to filter back as I sit there numbly, unable to move or speak, in shock and completely confused.

I remember…being a bear. It was strong, empowering, freeing. I felt as though I didn't need some grandiose purpose in life or anything, I just existed. There was no feeling of inadequacy or uselessness in comparison to my fellow Titans, there just was hunger and sleep and survival.

That's all. But then…I remember…Raven? She was there? But I didn't recognize her, I don't think. Or did I? I saved her from wolves…

And then there were other people there….hunters! They were hunters! And..and…

And then I have no memories. None.

"Gar, how could you?"

I look up, completely shocked. I stumble to my feet, stumble towards her, but she stepped away from me, avoiding me. Pain lances through my heart at that action, her simple movement cutting me deeper than any dagger ever could.

"What?" I whisper, my voice guttural and low from lack of use.

"What did I do, Rae? What happened?" I look at her, watch the emotions flicker across her face: hurt, anger, confusion, fear, before her eyes settled on a sorrow so deep that it made my chest ache and my breath falter.

I will never forget the words she spoke next or the hurt in her voice when she said them. It will haunt my dreams for years to come, the sound of her voice, so broken and crushed, so confused and lost.

"You killed three men."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **It's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, I understand if you all hate me for the major delay…frankly, I'm not even sure if my few followers are still around to keep my passion for this story alive, but here's an update! It's a short installment, but I promise more plot-driven stuff is coming. Also, rated M for some language and thematic issues in this chapter. Also, what do y'all think of Teen Titans Go! Hmm? I'm not sure what I think yet. Basically I miss the original show.

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely zero parts of the Teen Titans. Shame.

"No." The voice is raw and ragged, and I feel bad for the poor bastard who sounds that pitiful and empty. It's like his whole body was torn apart and put back together, leaving nothing but a strange combination of flesh and feelings.

Then I realize that it was me. That's my voice.

Raven's eyes have never looked bluer—a desolate, broken blue, blue the way that the ocean rumbles after the abandonment of the rain.

"Gar…" She whispers as I step forward again, and I can't tell if she's protesting or asking for me to come closer. She doesn't move. Guilt lingers in her eyes, and I wonder briefly if she wishes she had stepped away. I suppose I can understand that, since in her eyes, I'm nothing more than a murderer.

But then why is she looking at me, hungrily, her cheeks flushed a pale violet and her palms trembling—trembling? Is my Rae really trembling? I don't remember her being a "trembler."

That's not true, I guess. I remember the way she shook with relief after the end of the world was over and we finally defeated Trigon. And I remember the way that her eyelashes fluttered against her cheek when we first kissed, and how her legs couldn't move after the first time we had sex.

God, what a great time we had together.

I look at her, and she looks at me.

"I didn't know," I whisper, the best apology I can manage. I'm standing a mere foot or so away from my best friend and used-to-be lover. I can feel the tension between us; my skin tingles and yearns to be pressed tightly against her, but I don't dare move, not an inch.

I stand there for a while—I'm not actually sure how long. She looks at me, solemnly, her cheeks still flushed. She leans forward and my breath catches in my throat. Her lips are coming towards mine and my eyes close, giving in to that blissful sensation of—

nothing. My lips feel nothing. I wait for a second, maybe she's taking her sweet time, torturing me like she usually does. But when I open my eyes, I see nothing but white walls surrounding me.

It hits me, this emptiness around me. I've fucked up in the worst way possible.

I've lost Raven.


End file.
